Thursday, November 6, 2008


I have been in trouble the past 24 hours,
and it's getting worse. Although I have an
appointment to see my GP tomorrow, I
pray I make it. I don't think I've ever been
sicker, or remember being in this much
pain before.

I don't want to go the ER, because they'll
triage me last, and waiting for 40 hours
for relief won't be worth it. I just pray I
make it through the next 24 hours. Please
Lord, in Jesus' Name, help me to cope
and quietly deal with this.

I'm great at diagnosing myself, lol, like
other hypoch health care workers, but,
I think i have Trigeminal Nerve Neuralgia.
The Fifth cranial nerve can cause this
kind of pain. It's like the worst migraine
imaginable, only in your throat, ear,
eye, tongue and jaw. The sensation is
like raging hot pokers dragging through
my flesh and into the bones underneath.

My ubiquitous neck pain is amplified beyond
anything i've ever experienced.

At first, I thought it could be an abscessed
or rotten back tooth, but, literally all my molars
are root canaled and crowned. There simply
are not nerves to cause this.

I did have a facial fracture from the accident,
which at one time abscessed, but, that
resolved years ago.

Whatever it is, I haven't been able to eat,
sleep, or escape the pain. I've taken a
Vicodin every 2 hours. I'm surprised I
haven't ODed. I don't think Morphine
will help this, but, I wish I had some
fentanyl.... just to escape this relentless
misery for a few hours so I can sleep.
My neck is swollen and I can hardly
swallow, but, I doubt it's an infected
throat because the pain in the eyes,
face and ears is just as intense as
the throat.

It will be so wonderful to finally stop
hurting, but, I hope I make it. It sucks
that it takes days to see a doctor.

The good thing is that I adore my doctor.
She's amazing. So gentle and sweet.
A real healer. I honestly love her, and
thank God for her. It's a treasure when
you can find a doctor of her caliber.

So, to take my mind off it a little, I've
been praying. I really am enjoying getting
more into a real praying groove. After
a while, it's like God is a constant
invisible companion, who you can
chat with like your best friend along
for the ride, or by your side.

I go through other periods where I
find it difficult to pray, and I don't
know why. Praying has such immeasurable
rewards that it should be something
that I never let go of. But, we wrestle
not with flesh and blood, but, principalities
and darkness, even directed towards
our prayer life.

I really believe our prayer life is the
greatest threat to our spiritual enemies.
Not only is prayer effectual, but, it
lifts us up, no matter what state we're
in, and gives us joy, hope, consolation
and peace. These qualities are the
antithesis of what demonic entities
want to see in human beings, because
they hate us so much for usurping their
crowns in heaven. We will judge them.

How do we begin to measure the capacity
we have to adore God? What is more
important in our lives than possessing
this love? We are told to seek Him before
all other things, and if we do, the desires
of our heart are added to us.

My life has been far from perfect, from
a strictly material point of view. I was
not blessed with children, even though
I was heartbroken by not being able
to get pregnant and have a child. When
I wanted to adopt, my marriage failed,
and the expense was prohibitive.

But, I have been consoled by the Lord
knowing that this wasn't in His plan for
me. I have three cats who I love like
children, and that makes me one of
those creepy cat hags, but, it quells
the longing for having a lovely creature
to cuddle and nurture.

My brother needed my bone marrow in
order to survive leukemia. If I had had
a child, there would have been antibodies
in my blood that could have killed him.
I am more than consoled by knowing
that God planned that miracle all along.
My heart rejoices knowing that this
was one of the reasons for being

Each one of us has a plan for our lives,
with challenges and victories following
sorrowful events. That's why the Apostles
likened our "walk" with Christ, and this
life, as a race. It's not always easy or
pain free, but, the rewards of finishing
the race are not to be measured by our
human standards.

Every day I thank God for bringing John
into my life, even though for years following
the accident, I questioned why I was
introduced to my soul's mate, only to
lose him? It's not easy to describe what
it's like to love someone with all my
heart, and cope with the frustration of
not being physically a part of his life.

Yet, God has miraculously kept our bonds.
Who God brings together, let no man
bring asunder. Even though we are apart,
he lives in my heart, in a way that's like
the love of Jesus. While I don't pray to
John, when I pray for him, I feel him
as if he were beside me.

I ache to see his handsome face, and
look into his eyes, the same exact color
as mine. Looking into his eyes was like
staring into a mirror. I miss him so
much that I am sometimes driven to
despair, fearing that I'll never be
back together with him, but, then
assuages my fear. I know that it was
God who created him for me, and I
was meant to be his other half.
I believe and have great hope that
we'll spend the rest of our lives
together, in this life, and then
be together, as one, forever.

He's like my twin, my soul's true
mate. Nothing has lessened my
feelings for him. It's so much more
profound than sexual. As much as
I've gotten used to celibacy and
chastity, I ache to hold him, to
kiss him for ever. I want so much
to smell his hair, and even his
natural scent coming in from a
run. His own scent was an
irresistable perfume.

I thank God for having my love, but,
I will rejoice when we are back together
again. For several years, I thought
I'd never even see him again.

My yearning is an emotion I cherish
knowing it is something that can
be quenched. How much dearer will
our love be when we can once again
be in eachother's daily lives?

I miss making him muffins in the morning.
I miss ironing his shirts. I miss buying
him clothing. He was my Ken doll, so
tall and well built. He got so excited
when I would buy him things, that
when I went to the mall, I used to
adore going to the men's stores first.
I could buy him the most hideous or
outrageous thing, and he'd love it.
(Not that I tried to dress him like
that, but, occasionally, I'd get
something hip-hop for him, and
he'd wear it five minutes later.)

I pray I don't die from whatever is
afflicting me right now, so I can
look into those eyes again. What
was most rewarding was that
seeing his eyes looking into
my eyes were like infinite mirrors
of love. No one ever looked at
me, into my soul, into my heart,
and no one ever elicited such
true love in my heart.

As much as I love Jesus Christ,
he ordained us to have companions,
and I believe John is mine, and I
am his. Without John, there is
an echo in the void, even when
I pray.

What I'm most grateful to, and I
can't even express it strongly enough,
is that John has committed his soul
to Christ. There has been a true
conversion, not that he was ever
a bad man, because he was always
sweet and compassionate, but,
he had a troubled past.

John is an amazing person. He is
funnier than anyone I've ever personally
known, and has a quirky eccentric
nature, which I love. I've written
about it before, that I feel he's
a lot like John Lennon.

But, best of all, he has one of the
kindest hearts. So many men are
oblivious to the deep hurt in other
people, but, he has compassion.

It's funny, just writing about my love
has lessened my pain. It's raised my
spirits. I don't think I'm going to die
if I fall asleep. LOL- true.

Suffering sucks, but, it's worth it to
feel good when the suffering ends.
I've spoken about that much lately,
because of pain, which unfortunately
has been an unwelcome companion.

I truly believe that God will deliver me
through this valley of despair and
excruciating physical pain, into a
pasture of indescribable joy and

Even through the pain, I rejoice in
the blessings I have retained, and
the constant hope of immeasurable
riches in Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Lord, I love you with all my heart
and strength. I close my eyes
and long to embrace you.

My one epiphany of Christ was when
I was walking through a blizzard in
Philly, listening to a rock station,
that suddenly shifted to a Christian
rock station with a song that began,
"You are there to comfort me in the
storm..." As if transported, I went
into this daydream, delirious vision
of being in Paradise where the beauty
all around me was unspeakably
magnificent. Christ before me was
so beautiful that my eyes burned.
I tried to memorize his face, and
the kindness ... it's hard, no impossible
to describe the empathetic love that
radiated from his expression.

He commanded me to approach him,
with arms outstretched, like in a
corny painting. He commanded me
to hug him, and I approached him
tentatively, and fearfully, I touched
him, with a hug that was weak.
He then ordered me to "HUG HIM!"
When I did, all this love poured
into me, like rivers of living water,
like life itself. I cannot describe
what went on, it was so mystical.

Then, I snapped out of it, the
radio station clicked back to a
rock and roll song, and I was home,
feet frozen, and quite icy, but,
blessed beyond belief. That image
has sustained me through many
subsequent storms in my life.

What was disappointing was that
I tried so hard to memorize his
beautiful face, so I could retain
it, but, that image was taken.
I couldn't paint him, or describe
him afterwards, but, I do know
that he was the most beautiful
being in the universe.

A heart full of love, and a peaceful spirit
is consolation for the pain in my flesh.
I almost found myself smiling, but,
I can't move a muscle in my face
without wincing.

Father, in Jesus' Name, help me to
get some rest, and relief. Lord, if
it's an infection, I pray that I will
be ok until I see the doctor. If
it's your will, I pray that I am healed
before a doctor even takes out her
prescription pad.

But, I know that in all things, I am
in your hands, and trust in you. I
pray for the strength and patience
to sustain myself against this
misery, thinking about pleasant
things, and praying.

Lord, I pray for John to continue to
be nourished by your merciful
blessings in his life. I pray for his
mom, that you sort out the confusion
in her head, and bring her back into
confession, quietness, faith and
joy. I pray for his son, Joe, who
was one of the most spiritual little
boys I ever met. I ask that you
retain a place in your kingdom
for this remarkable man. I pray
that he still prays, and still
believes, even though his mom
perverted his walk with her

I pray for all those in pain tonight
who don't have the manifold blessings
that i can rely on. I ask that all suffering
souls will reach out to heaven, and that
you would answer their pleas, forgive
their sins, and create them anew.

I pray for the godless, who promote
their agenda through the media, and
by promulgating constant filth and
diversion into our culture. I ask that
you draw as many as possible to the
crossroads, and that their choice would
be to follow righteousness, life, and
seek you.

I ask that cynical, snarky and disrespectful
media stars like Bill Maher would not
be unchallenged in his rage against those
who have faith. I pray that you draw him
to the pit where he has a clearer view of
his eternal soul, and has the opportunity
to choose life, and then impart this to
millions of people, instead of his filthy
and blasphemous rants and comedy
routines. This same prayer can be
used for virtually most of the stars
of today.

Continue to watch over our President-elect
Obama, and keep harm far from him.
I ask that you protect him and thwart
any conspiracy against his life. I ask
that in the time leading up to his
taking the leadership, that he truly
beseeches your counsel, and establishes
a steel connection and bond to our
Lord Jesus Christ. I ask that your
Holy Spirit is not quenched and that
he boldly lives a life most exceptional,
as a true WITNESS, not a backslider.

Lead him in righteous paths, and let
him lead others in the same. Let him
never despise speaking the NAME
of God in Jesus Christ. Amen.

Finally, while prayer has elevated me,
the brightness of the screen is making
me violently nauseated and the pain is
so unbearable. Please help me endure
and get relief soon Lord.

I ask this in Christ's Name.

I praise you with every last breath in
my body, and thank you for the miracles
and blessings in my life. I adore you
Lord, and appreciate being privileged
to possess your Spirit, little unworthy
worm as i am.

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