Monday, November 3, 2008

The Night Before ElectionÏ

I went to all the trouble of updating my
voter's registration, and looked forward
to this election, but, I'm so under the
weather tonight, that I don't think i
will be able to endure the lines. I
avoided the pre-election voting because
I heard there were waits up to two
hours! With only a few voting machines
and each ballot averaging 13 minutes,
I can't imagine what tomorrow will

In addition, they bus people in from the
whole darn hood to our complex to vote,
and last election was pandemonium.
I was strategizing on going super early,
before 7a.m., but, I'm sure there will
be a long line then, too.

I hate not voting. I hope I feel better by
the morning. I can't even lay down tonight,
since everything hurts.

The doctor has a lot of treatment planned,
so, I am hoping these terrible moments
are going to subside. When I went to him
last week, he said I was in pitifully
bad shape, with "severe" changes to
the spine, which have gotten worse
without treatment. He couldn't understand
why I let it go so long, but, that's the
way it goes when you don't have
medical insurance or an extra 100 grand
for surgery.

He said it's so hard to know where to
even begin, so, he's going to try series
of tractions and treatments, to see
how much that can improve my symptoms,
and then isolate the worst areas refractory
to palliative therapy. Then, they'll just
have to rebuild those areas. The bionic
spine. Cool huh?

At least I am being treated. It's a terror
to be suffering without any hope of going
to a doctor. I lived like that for a few
years, with only one wonderful doctor
willing to see me pro bono.

Even though I went through hell, I
am grateful to live in America, where
we do have resources to help those
like myself, who through no fault of
our own, suddenly become disabled
through an accident or injury.

Obama is actually better for those like
me who depend on government assistance
for disability, but, I was wanting to
support my party. I usually vote
straight ticket. However, i think
Obama will win, so why bother?

My accident wasn't to blame for my
entire situation. I have a genetic
condition which was asymptomatic
and only showed it's ugly head after
I went head first into my car's console
during a head first collision. John was
not only not injured, but, he wasn't
even wearing a seat belt! He didn't
have a scratch. I think the steering
wheel protected him. I was thrown
into the dash console.

I had a cracked vertebrae and then, like
the World Trade Center collapse, one
after another disc started to burst.
I don't have one disc left in my neck,
and now it's affecting my thoracic spine.
My lumbar spine is completely fused
and overlapping.. something they
call ankylosing spondylitis.
It's really a mess. Bone spurs
and spinal stenosis, add to the mess.
When people complain of bad backs,
others are cynical, but, it's a horrendous

I'm a mess right now, but, 2009 seems
to be a much more optimistic year for
resolving these problems. Medical
technology is pretty awesome. As long
as the spinal chord integrity is not
breached, they can pretty much
reconstruct your spine with cages
or artificial vertebrae and discs.
I'm not an expert on it, and every
time I try to read up on it, it makes
me focus on the pain, and I get
little panic attacks thinking about
surgery, but, I have faith that I can
get relief, and hope that I can have
a good outcome.

Honestly, I'm pretty blessed, even
with the challenges. We all have things
we need to overcome. This is my cross.
Still, I have money, shelter, someone
like John to love, and my dad, cats,
and Jesus.

When you have Jesus, you've got it all.
No amount of suffering can separate
us from the joy and hope in Him. My
spine is not my soul, and the kundalini
force is nothing to be reckoned with
compared to the indwelling Holy Spirit.
That is the fire that illuminates and
animates us from within.

Suffering is transcient. It even makes
us aware of being alive. It heightens
my appreciation of feeling well, when
I have a good day. Instead of feeling
"normal" to feel good is to feel GREAT!
Even on a night like tonight, when pain
seems to shoot into my brain, itself,
I can focus on the blessing of knowing
that we won't know eternal pain, but,
eternal bliss. How can you know what
bliss is unless you have suffered?

That being said, I pray I can feel well
enough to vote tomorrow and by some
miracle, I can find a good time when
there aren't millions of people in line
ahead of me....

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