Light

Fever is down, and swelling is not any
worse. Pain is stable with oxycodone.
I have to have surgery this week, if
the infection is under control, but, I
am not in hysterical pain.

It's a funny thing about being at your
lowest point and needing God the most.
This is when our faith is challenged,
and during these events, it's like God
is far away. Of course, this isn't the
case, and my alienation from the Lord
only lasted through my ordeal.

But, I did have a wee epiphany on
several different levels. Number one,
is that my relationship with Christ needs
strengthening. Every time I think we're
best friends, I fall into a lonely pit
where I am miserable, suffering and
in total isolation.

Next, I realized I've been counting too
much on John's return to my life as being
a sign of our eternal soul-partnership.
I seized the opportunity to pick up
planning a wedding that never took
place, and repairing the shattered
dream of spending my days with John.
I had constructed not only a lifetime
commitment from him, but,chained his soul
to me, all because he missed speaking
to me, as his best friend.

It doesn't have to be all, or nothing at
all. I'm grateful to have him back in my
life as a friend and brother. I'd rather
have his enduring friendship than to risk
losing him forever.

As far as proclaiming him as my soul mate,
I realized during my brief hospitalization
the reality of my situation, and how
immature I was acting. My behavior was
destined to drive him away for good.

I am single, alone, and on my own. It's
the way things are. John left for substantial
reasons after the accident, not primarily
to escape being responsible for a damaged
fiancee. But, I was wearing his diamond ring,
betrothed to him, planning to become his
wife within the year.

So many other calamities were concurrent to
our accident, though, it almost was ludicrous.
It was our equivalent to the Book of Job.
I guess most people experience these periods
where everything turns black, but, our
misfortunes, one after another, were off
the chart. I should have seen that as a
message, and actually did, but, chose not
to believe it meant that it was God who
determined that it was best for John's
life to leave.

I honestly don't hold him to blame for the
reasons that sent him running. But, he still
ran.

I was fortunate to have dad, but, I felt
as if my world had collapsed. The worst loss
by far was losing him, but, I suffered the
loss of my independence, career, and pride.
I was in good health, and actually in the
best shape of my life, going to the gym,
having a trainer, and looking better
than when I was 18.

PRIDE. Self-sufficiency and arrogance were
the precursors to my material demise. We
suffer many different kinds of death during
our lifetimes, and we're particularly sensitive
to these as bond servants to Christ.
Sometimes, these life-altering events are
contrary to what normally defines a man's success
in the material world, but, for us, they
are death as a means to separate us from
hindrances to the kingdom of God.

Lying in the hospital, at my lowest point,
infection, like a mirror of my diseased
soul, enabled me to see how I need to
climb back to the path where my soul longs
to travel with Christ.

I realized that John was far away,by God's
hand, and no matter how much I still love him,
or how much he professes to love me, he is
not by my side, nor has been for years when
I have been broken.

He left to return home to his family, son,
and familiar surroundings, where he became
whole again. He is now independent, strong,
spiritually healed, and restored to his
state of grace. Not to mention that John
is really a very handsome man, in the prime
of life, with a wonderful income. His life
has finally restored, and he's at peace.
He may experience loneliness, but, he'll
have a hard time maintaining that single
existence. He's only pining for me because
he is ready to committ himself to a love
partnership. I took it to surely mean me.

Honestly, and realistically, I know that
there's no way in the world that any
man with his attributes, and in his position
would want me in my state of health, and
who could blame him?

I'm not being self-pitying or deprecating,
just real.

It would be different if he was stuck with me,
and we had already exchanged vows, but, we
didn't. God freed him of that burden.

God knows what we need, and John has
already suffered enough in his lifetime.
He doesn't need a broken doll. I can't even
get out every day, let alone ever expect
to truly hold a serious employment again.

God has given me the grace and consolation of
being an artist, and having a new trade, but,
there's no constancy in this, not like the
fabulous income I was used to.

I am blessed, though, to have earned enough
income to enabled me to survive disability,
and I was given back four years of lost
income a few weeks ago, which boosted my
morale, and ended my worries.

But, I may need surgeries for years. I may
never be able to live a completely normal
life. Right now, I can't even do relatively
ordinary things like take a plane, and can
sometimes not last outside more than a few
hours at a time.

While I have the hope that this can
improve with treatment and surgery during
2009, what if I don't recover enough
to be a meaningful partner for another?

It was so weird, though, since I believed I
was on a great path for a sustained length
of time, praying and bonding, renewing my
Christian passion. Due to sudden illness,
all of a sudden, I felt like God was
forsaking me, but, he wasn't at all.


If I had everything my heart desired,
would I praise God, and depend on
Jesus Christ? Maybe some do, but,
I am a rebel. The rebel's yell has faded
to a whimper.


This isn't a game. Many Christians, myself
indeed included, feel that we have a blanket
of supernatural magical protection. We are
commanded to be perfect, and this is a paradox
that is designed to almost thwart us, because
we are still commanded to succeed in earnestly
seeking this standard.

We are forgiven, but, it is with the
price of blood and sacrifice. It is due
to a plan of salvation that confounds
our comprehension and sensibilities
as vain and three-dimensional creatures
of finite abilities.


When faced with mortality, and the
ultimate reality of our individual
circumstances in this universe, we
don't have many choices. We are
ultimately all alone, trapped within
the bubble of our own existences,
unable to escape the gravity of orbiting
round our desires, ego,willfulness
and pride.

It's often a struggle to empathize
with others, let alone to learn to
put others first, and to follow Christ's
example. To crucify our own desires, and
die to ourselves is impossible without
divine intervention.


It was heartbreaking, though that even suffering
as a patient, I didn't get soothing
compassion from healthcare workers.
I found most of them looked at me
with the fake professional facade,
barely concealing the underlying
signals of contempt I recognize from
20 years of being their comrade.

I got chided for smoking, and
this admission nurse actually
sanctimoniously lectured me,
writhing in pain and sick as a
dying dog, as if I was unworthy
to receive antibiotics and narcotics
for relief, as if smoking was to
blame for a shattered spine and
abscesses and infection. Smoking
was a convenient handle for her
to use in order to justify her
automatic hostility towards me
in general.

My heart rate was in the 140s,
so, I was told to calm down,
like I could do that in agony.
I told them that my heart rate
was high because of pain and infection
racing through my blood, but, was
answered by a smug snort, like my
punishing pain was due to my
being middle-aged, a woman,
and a smoker.... Any reason to keep
from extending a piece of themselves
to someone who doesn't matter in this
world.

Don't think that it isn't the way I
described. I can see through many
mirrors. I can see into some minds and
hear their derision as if they were
shouting it to my face.

I know true compassion and kindness,
and I know true contempt.

Only the treating doctor and male nurse
who got to know me for five minutes seemed
to lose that attitude. When the nurse
asked me why someone in my profession
smoked, since I was in Cardiopulmonary,
I told him, "empathy." He snorted, like
that was bullshit, but, then stopped a
moment later and had a look like he
got it. He repeated, in a curious tone,
"empathy...."

I tried to explain the best i could....
"Empathy because if I smoked I couldn't
judge the patients who I was asked to
help. Otherwise, my prejudices would
interfere with ministering to them."

He lowered his head and told me that
the pain meds would soon help. His
voice was different. He knew what I
was talking about.

When I started in healthcare, I didn't
smoke, drink, and I was little Miss
Perfect. I was secretly disgusted with
most of my patients who through
eating, smoking and living their
lives into middle-age were now
medical casualties. It was easy to
judge them and feel superior, lecturing
them and feeling as if they deserved
the lessons I was trying to teach
them.

My whole department smoked. It wasn't
empathy that got me started smoking but,
the stress of having a job where people
died under my hands, or died after bonding
with them as patients for months. It was
the feel of the fresh air during a smoke
break, when the cage of despair and
all the suffering was locked away for
ten minutes. It was the way the smoke
soothed and relaxed. It was the way
the smoke helped me to breathe.

When I would go back, my patients
weren't my enemies. Their coughing
and spewing didn't disgust me. Smelling
the bond of tobacco on my lab coat,
they met my eyes with trust, knowing
I didn't judge them.


We enter into this world already
condemned with a death sentence, no
matter who we are. We come in with
vitality and life force, but, this
is depleted through our brief sojourn,
until we are broken down. Even the best
plastic surgeons cannot conceal these
markers of time.

We live in a society which insidiously
promotes hatred and blatantly discrimination
against people over 50, like that is
a crime against humanity itself. So
what good is our existence based on
the shallow criteria that the world has
established, which values us only during
our brief prime, and despises us increasingly
every year afterwards?

As a woman, imperfection is a social
sin worthy of extreme contempt from
others. Young people are impudent
and sneering, even other middle-aged
people are disgusted if you are not
actively battling to preserve the facade
of being a kid.

Individualism is dead. It used to be
that rebels got tattoos, or did something
unique to to themselves to make a
statement about not conforming to
what others demand that they are.
Now, that spirit has been quashed
by the new generation of those who
tattoo themselves as a rite of passage,
and judge those who do not.

There's very little compassion in this
world, and there's nothing we can do
about that, but, we can change how
we act towards others, even those who
repulse us.

We are all the same underneath the
physical characteristics of our race,
creed, and possess the same destiny
as human beings. Jesus Christ is the
King of kings and rules the universe,
yet, he subjected himself to a mortal
run as a common man, vulnerable to
hunger, thirst, pain, fatigue, emotion
and temptation. He took off his
crown, robes and glory to walk amongst
us and feel our pain, and understand
the life we experience.

These things are paradoxes that don't
make sense to non-believers. It is only
through faith which makes it possible
to see him, and perceive the purpose
to his mission. Mortal man feels powerful,
and controls his own destiny, but, we
all face death alone. Many die heroically
and stoically, but, we go back to where
we came.

The atheist scoffs that they will be
nothing but worm food,and by judging
themselves to be unworthy of immortality
they have condemned themselves.

If I believed that, I wouldn't even
want to continue to exist. What's the
point if that's all that awaits me after
all this process of living, collecting
love, laughter, tears, skills, awareness,
learning, learning, learning, tasting,
enduring, maturing, expanding, transcending
while heeding and experiencing the heights
and depths of life?

If all that awaited me was a box where
my bones would dwell, then my life right
now would have no purpose other than
to feed the body, have as much sensory
pleasure in sex, drugs, and other temporal
past times. That's enough for some, but,
not for me.

I can't choose who my soul mate will be,
either. This is God's choice for me. So,
it is not without love that I free John from
being bound to someone who may drag
him down and hinder his prosperity and
happiness. I will always love him, and
will always be grateful for his friendship.
I will be joyful in knowing he will be
a special friend in this life and the
world to come.

Father, in Jesus' Name, I pray that
I trust in you and can understand
my own deep flaws and be able to
repent from even my secret sins.
Forgive my errors and foolish
conclusions. These are serious
hindrances against my walk with
Christ.

Whatever it takes to get me to
the finish line, where my eternal
destiny is in the kingdom of Jesus
Christ, I pray that I am worthy to
finish me. I am your workmanship
in Christ, and I beseech you that
I am finished, not forsaken as
a vile and unworthy vessel.

Lord, you know my heart and soul,
you see my secret sins, lusts, desires
and covetousness. You know my
desire to be perfect. You understand
my fears and temptations. Please
don't give up on me.

Even though I walk through these
flames, pain occasionally overwhelming
me, I will never curse you or blame
you for my own infirmities and
distresses. I will only ask that I
am sustained by your mercy, love
and grace through my last run
to the finish line.

I pray for light. I pray for revelation
and truth. I pray for myself tonight
because I need your intercession
so desperately before I can intercede
for anyone else.


I adore you Father for binding me
to you by the bloodline and blood
of my Lord, Jesus Christ. I will
follow him every day until I am
brought out of this world and
into your gentle embrace.

I pray I am allowed to stay with
you forever, world without end.

Amen.