Thursday, August 23, 2007

Pain pain isane in the membrane

Check me out!

I'm having a rough day, so the giraffe is my
therapy. I thank God for all the critters that
grace our lives. I love them all so much. My
3 cats are my healers, when there's no other
evidence of God's mercy and grace. Their
beauty and comfort is remarkably soothing.
I love each of them, but, Boy Toy, a gorgeous
small gingercat, is my soulmate. His peridot
eyes, and soft fur reflect the face of angels.
When I ponder why that is, I realize that
while angels have a face like the faces of men,
the cherabims, the highest order, also have
three other faces, and one of them is
a lion's face. Christ is our Lion of Judah,
Lion of Zion. So, in consdering that, my
little darling's lion-like coloring and glory
brings me a glimpse of heaven's most splendid
celestial creatures.

There is tons of comfort in knowing that these
animals will be our companions in New Jerusalem.
We are given the assurance that even my beloved
lions will lose their carnivorous nature, and will
dwell with the lambs. We will not only cohabit
our homes with them, but, poisonous snakes,
so beautiful, will no longer have venom or
their fear to strike. Little children will play with

These are the images which calm me down,
when I can see the city, and transcend my
pain here.

Pain is terrible. My spinal chord is messed up
from the accident, then deterioration from lack
of medical care. I can barely walk some days,
like today. Today, there was a fire that ran down
from my neck, down my spine, where a little
inferno was blazing away in my thoracic spine.
From there, it was nothing but pain down my
legs, to the bottom of my feet. I know I'm messed
up, and I don't know what to do to get well,
other than pray, and take comfort in New
Jerusalem, and the Cube's arrival, hopefully

Only other Christians would not laugh at me
for statements like that. I don't discuss it with
non-Christians too often, because like with
Scientology's extreme extra-terrestrial beliefs,
there's something about telling most grounded
and functional people about life outside of

Those who are into it would agree with me that
the universe is teeming with life. My dad can't
figure out how they're getting here, since the
vast expanses of time and space preclude
other species, like ourselves being able to
do it.

My thoughts on this are that while we are mortal,
they are not. The UFO event that my dad say
in light formation, which I think sounds like
Ezekiel's vision of the Cherabims, help to
explain why they can travel from galaxy to
galaxy. They're immortal and celestial beings,
not limited to Time/Space, but, they can
certainly come down here. When he rolls
his eyes, I remind him that he has no better
explanation for them, and he has to agree
with that.

I know we're being visited because in addition
to believing accounts by those who have seen
them, people in the military, police officers,
air force officers, as well as a few astraunauts,
I have seen it for myself, so, there can't be
anyone who can convince me otherwise.

Have I been taken aboard? Probably not,
but I certainly think about why they're here.
In Revelation, they are sent to Earth to
help us through the Tribulation. Why don't
they make international connections, and
do it in this way? Because, they have a
command, and their purpose for being
here is to oppose the devil. His time to
world rule hasn't come to fruition, but,
when it does, they will help in non-passive

Have I seen angels? I think I have, but, can't
prove it. I used to get so close with some of
my patients that I felt like my most vital
role in their lives was to comfort them in
spiritual ways, when medical help wasn't
enough. In addition to sitting with them,
letting them cry, letting them confess their
sins, letting them pour their hearts out
to me, praying with them, and reading to
them words of hope, at the end, all I
could do was sit and hold their hands,
waiting. People tend to wait until their
loved ones are gone to leave. If I had
the time, I would try to sit with them
after their families and partners were

While I didn't see the angels in physical form,
I recognized when their eyes would fill with a light,
as if they saw their angels, and usually
they would have peaceful transitions. Knowing
this, has given me great strength and comfort.
I wish I could see the angels, but, I certainly
believed I could sense their presence,
and perhaps see them in that same part
of my brain that has psychic abilities.

I hate how I sound, bragging about these
things, but, tonight, I need to grab hold
of the angels' hems, because I need hope,
and they're all I have, in addition to my
darling cats.

There's a false teaching in the Church that
God heals all our diseases by our faith. While
I totally believe in God's healing, it's ludicrous
to say that he heals all our diseases and
afflictions, because otherwise no Christian
would die. Other than St. John possibly
being someone who was appointed to live
for the past 2000 years, as far as I know,
no other man of God escaped the fate
of all mortal flesh. Christ rose from the
dead, as the firstborn of our race, but,
our dispensation must be completed,
and we are still appointed to die.

I am coming to terms with my death,
because it's not only inevitable, but,
it may come soon. My health is really
bad, and without medical care, I think
I will probably die within the next year.
I hope not, but, I'm deteriorating too
quickly. Instead of railing and throwing
a fit, cursing our leaders who have
failed us, while giving the world the
medical assistance at our expense,
in the end, the reality is that I'm probably
dying, and there's nothing I can do about
it, and no one who cares. No doctor will
treat me for free, and I simply don't have
20,000 bucks to fix my spine, or even
have tests to determine why I'm so sick,
and getting worse and worse. I think my
heart is failing because of the horrible
pain. Today, I had pitting edema in
both feet, and could barely walk at all.
Along with the rest of it, it's probably
my heart failing.

When I am in the most pain, my challenge is
in coping. I try praying, and while that always
help, for whatever reason it pleases God, I am
not having deliverance. The worst thing
that a believer in Christ can do for their own
moral is to believe another Christian will
offer them solace and comfort, for they
all seem to become Job's friends, and do
the opposite, putting the burden on the
one who is afflicted, implying it is because
of our sins, or imperfect faith... It's our
nature to do stuff like that, and I'm not
blaming my friends, a bit. I have probably
done it, if not vocally, in my head, thinking
that someone was being punished or
chastised for a reason.

One thing that I will never do again is
to try to justify someone else's suffering
by considering they are being afflicted for
their sins.

So, I have had to pull away from some of
my friends and brothers, because I can't
handle the standard eupemistic homilies
of "this is to test my faith, and it shows a
flaw in my faith if i am not healed."

I understand and forgive them for this
because we are indoctrinated that this is
the case, and when someone is not in
pain, they have no idea what it's like.

No one can perceive someone else's
suffering. Our nature is to be more
judgmental than non-judgmental. I
am no better.

I cringe thinking of how when I was in
full physical glory, athletic, strong and
full of life, I would get sick of treating
the same sick emphesema and COPD
patients, blaming them for their infirmities.

It was through God's intervention that I
found humility when my tendency to judge
my patients overwhelmed my non-judgmental
professional creed. The solution was that after
not smoking since my teens, I began smoking,
to bond with them. It worked. It was truly
humbling, and united me with them, and helped
me to help them.

It is hilarious though, because sometimes my
medical director would call me and ask me to
take some patient outside for a smoke. It takes
a wise, wise man to realize that sickness and
healing doesn't always have the usual cause
and effect. Sometimes, my massages cured
status asthmaticus, patients who even when
they are put on ventilators, can't breathe.
There's more to healing than chemicals and
incisions. Compassion and the human touch
is miraculous.

It is tonight I wish I had someone to return
those massages I gave to so many. It was
my greatest gift from God. My mom used to
say I had the hands of an angel, and when I
laid hands on people, I felt the Holy Spirit more
distinctly than any other time, even after days
of fasting and prayer. The Spirit was like a cold
fire, and I wish I had it now to heal my damaged
spine. It's funny, but, when I had backaches
after working long shifts, sometimes 16 hours
or more, the one thing that would renew me
would be to give someone my specialty, a 3 hour
full body massage. You would think that it
would be impossible to even endure expending
so much energy after being that exhausted and
achy, but, that's how I know it was when I
directed myself to tend to the needs of someone
else, when God would heal me.

That's been the most important lesson in
Christianity that I have learned in my life.
I wish I could serve him this way still. I
don't know why this accident happened,
or why I had to learn the hard way that
medical care doesn't exist for 50 million
Americans, but, maybe I won't die, and
maybe I can use this suffering to reach
out to help others again.

It's so hard to convince those who are
not in pain, and who think that as long
as they have health insurance that they're
in no danger. People don't realize how quickly
it all goes away, and do no t believe that medical
care is simply unavailable to 50 million or more
in America. We simply are too sick to do
anything. We end up dying. Even Emergency
Rooms let us die. They treat us worse than
lepers. It's horrible and degrading to go for
help in an ER, and they are so unbelievably
mean and uncaring.

My dad begged my old family doctor to see
me, but, he said unless we could come up
with money for tests upfront, there was nothing
he could do. Can you believe that? Lawyers
do pro bono work, but, those like me, are
told to suffer and die, by doctors who took
hypocratic oaths. They're too busy covering
their asses to care. Even if they treat us,
without tests, they can't be sure what is
going on, and in my case, my spine was
shattered a bit, and bone fragments got
into my spinal chord, which now is really
messed up. I need complicated neurosurgery,
and it would cost too much to begin to think
I could ever pay for it.

I was awarded over half a million in court,
$675,000! But, I haven't gotten a penny.
I don't expect to, either. The judge awarded
me that because my surgery and rehabilitation
would cost at least $100,000. It's like with
my insurance, though. Even when I had
my health insurance, since it was a car
accident, they wouldn't pay as a first tier
or primary insurer. They would only cover
expenses and deductibles after my car insurance
covered the rest.

My insurance wouldn't pay because the accident
was someone else's fault. This teen took her
grandmother's car and went for a joyride
down near A1-A by the beach. She ran a red
light at a major intersection, and I didn't stand
a chance. My airbag didn't go off. Originally,
I sued Toyota, but, they had this army of
litigators, and their stance was that the airbag
didn't go off because the car sensor wasn't
engaged since before I hit, I swerved. They
escaped any responsibilty, and my lawyer
said in order to take it further, I'd have to
put up 100,000 to sue Toyota...

When you're sick or severely injured, you
don't have this kind of fight in you. So, you
don't have the ability to keep dealing with

The teen who caused the accident had no license
and was an illegal. Her grandmother had no insurance
or registration, nothing, nada, and nothing happened
to them. Even with a judgement against them,
and a home worth over 150,000, in Florida, you
can't seize someone's home, nor would I want
to, but, when the grandmother died, even with
the lien I had on her home, the bank got what
value was left in her home, not me. This woman
had taken out a second mortgage, and when she
died, her heirs didn't pay the mortgage, so the
bank wins, and I lost any opportunity to get
some money.

It's been nothing but bad luck, and I can't believe
how miserable it's been. I can't believe how I went
from such an active and athletic life into this
slow deteriorating death. Not one doctor will
treat me, without putting up the money for
tests. Originally I had 3 MRIs, but, that wiped
me out. They were 1800 a piece. I don't have
any more money, and can't pay for them on
my credit cards, which is how I paid for the
last ones.

So, I know how messed up my spine is due to
xrays and MRIs that I paid for, but, I have no
way to pay for surgery. Now, I have all but
accepted my fate that I will most likely die,
if I can't last the two years that it will take
until Medicare kicks in. It takes 24 months
from the time the government approved
your disability claim for SSA, to get Medicare.
Unless you have a child under 18. If you
are, you don't have to have even paid into
Social Security, like I did. You don't have
to be a legal citizen. As long as you have
a kid, you get Medicare for yourself and
the kid.

Believe me, I wish I had a child, but, how
would I take care of them now? LOL. It
is so fucked up that all I can do is laugh
and sometimes all I do is cry.

I have to be careful not to accidentally
see Bush on television, because then
I feel like I'm going to have a stroke, my
hatred of him is so intense. I couldn't
get to the remote soon enough today,
but, there he was, gloating over Iraqis
voting today, with that gloat-y face he
has which makes me want to punch
his lights out.

He has NEVER NEVER N EVER mentioned
any American in his speeches. NEVER that
i can remember, other than eulogizing
dead Americans in tragedies or who died
in 911 and Iraq. I hate this man with
all my heart, even though I know hate
will kill me sooner than anything.

I resent him more than words can describe
because he is always talking about other
countries. The worst is when he speaks
of how much medical aid he's giving people
in Africa and the Third World, when 50 million
or more Americans liek me have NO WAY
to be treated by a doctor, and NO ONE
cares. No agency is there to advocate for
us, and there's nothing anyone is willing
to do, other than tell us to go to ERs,
and when we do, they hate us worse
than vermin, and treat vermin better.
They write out scripts for 4 vicodin
and it's GET OUT OF MY ER.
I'm just another fucking GOMER.

You can see by my fucking language
that pain draws its relief by using
bad language, and throwing spitballs
at my television when fucking Bush
is telling us how much aid he's giving
the fucking world who want to fucking
kill us all.

Fuck it all.

What can I do but find diversion in animal
faces, and remembering that death is a
release, a good thing. But, dang, I wanted
to do so much more. I have lived half
my appointed days, and I suppose I'm
greedy. But, I have to accept that our
existence is cruel, and isn't the whole
picture. Look at Lana Clarkson, the
gorgeous funny loved actress brutally
blown away by that rich psychotic
music mogul. Was it fair that she only
got half her days, and that man will
probably get off, and will live his
hedonistic life, with his fetus bride,
and he's even gaining a following
again thanks to this.

If that's not the most unfair thing,
then what is? Is it fair that OJ plays
golf everyday raising the kids of the
woman who he nearly decapitated?

This is a fucking wicked world. Death
is sometimes more desirable. It's got
to be better elsewhere, and maybe it's
better to die than to see how bad it
gets here on Earth, where evil
is taking over the planet at rapid

I just hope my eyes see George Bush
suffer one day, for all the suffering he's
caused American families. I hope he
knows real pain, because he hated his
countrymen, and betrayed us, selling
us out, and taking our resources and
giving it to our enemies. When the
hell did a leader consider that a good
way to act? He's the biggest enemey
to America, not Al Quaida. I really
and truly believe that now, and while
he's not the antichrist proper, he's
certainly of the same sympathies.

He enjoys seeing Americans go down
like this, and he is a complete traitor.

I'll probably delete this. I always feel
embarrassed when I read my rants
when the lights come back on, and its
not the interminable night of pain.
I pray that God helps me and more than
the pain, as always, I pray for God to
remove my hatred and bitterness.
Even if I have to endure this slow
process of dying and suffering, I
pray that I can do it wihtout whining
so much.

In Jesus Name, forgive me Father, and
let me not lose my light because of this
dark mood and self pity. Let me once
again be able to concentrate on helping
others, or just let me die. But, Lord,
if I die, please find a good home for
my kitties. I cry and cry thinking ofg
what will become of them. Why do they
have to suffer because I live in a country
that lets people die?

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