Monday, September 24, 2007

Angels Unawares...

I have had a hard time since my accident,
not only with the physical injuries and limitations,
but, in being thrown from that high perch of
self-sufficiency, into the unknown depths
of waiting out the interminable time it
takes to navigate the heartless bureaucracy
of insurance companies, the legal system,
and federal aid. I joined the ranks of millions
who had thought they were covered in
an emergency, only to discover how
treacherous catastrophic illness and
insurance do not always go together.
At the time of life when you need the
most help, that's when the worst nightmare

Getting real help has taken more than
3 years. I was fortunate to have my
dad, who took responsibility for me,
and who provided a roof over my head.
My savings left soon after I stopped
working. When you're sick, money
goes even faster, due to medications
and special needs. I have lived off
credit cards, and now I'm in debt,
and I was about to declare bankruptcy
because I had no way to pay the bills.

I won over $4oo,000 in a judgment
from the accident, but, in Florida,
no one is ever forced to pay.

I fought for 1 year to get my private
disability insurer, Unim Provident,
to kick in. By then, my debt had
swallowed up my savings and
my dad had to bail me out.

I've bitched about my nightmare
and misery alot, so I don't need to vent
about it endlessly. I wanted to thank the
LORD for his mercy in providing me with a
real angel this past week. He may have
been human, like I am, but, he was
truly of God, whether he was an
immortal, or a carbon-based organism
like me. He went out of his way to
correct many injustices. His mercy was
overwhelming, and after facing so
much adversity for three years,
I am almost overwhelmed by this
angel's presence in my life.

I had no idea that the government
would be the rescuer, not the
judgment I won for the accident,
which I never collected, or my private
disability insurance, which only
covered me for a year.

I reluctantly applied for SSDI, after
I realized I couldn't work in the same
capacity, and I was too sick to commit
to any full-time job. If I was okay one
day, I wouldn't be the next. It's very
humbling to fall off that mountain
of self-sufficiency, especially when
you love your work. I will never stop
missing what I did.

It's so discouraging getting turned down
for assistance. It's humiliating asking
for help, even though Social Security
is derived from my own money, not
public charity. If I didn't work for 20
years, I wouldn't be eligible for SSDI.

I had a judge who initially turned me
down, when I appealed, but, the appeals
board sent it back to him because it had
reversible error. Even the doctor testifying
for the government said I couldn't work
on a regular basis, and the vocational
expert said I couldn't hold a job if I
have bad days when I will not be able
to drive, or perform any basic task.

But, the judge reversed his decision, and
I was then sent to SSI, kind of like welfare,
I suppose, even though it's not called
that. My case worker was so compassionate.
He clicked with me, and ended up signing
me up for everything, and issued Medicaid
and an emergency check to start.

I never thought I'd be proud to get Medicaid,
but, after being without health care for 4
years, other than the one doctor who sees
me pro bono, I am ecstatic. He also back
qualified me for Medicare. It's a strange
system, because after you are designated
as disabled, you don't qualify for Medicare
until 2 years have passed. It's illogical, but,
that's what I had been told by several
case-workers there. Then, God sent me this
angel who stayed at his computer a half hour
after the office closed. He worked furiously,
not speaking to me, only apologizing every
few minutes. He was reading my file,
and it was obvious he felt sorry for me.

He didn't indicate what strings he was
pulling or what he was even doing. He
just said that I would get help, and two
days later, I had medicaid and a federal
check. Other than a tax return, I've never
seen a government check. I never saw
anything quite as beautiful. Even though
it feels weird accepting help, I console
myself thinking that if our government
is hemorrhaging money into the
Middle East, I can use taxpayer funds
to get back on my feet. Eek, it feels
funny bragging about getting help
though. I am ecstatic about it, however.

For three years I have been bitching and
feeling bitter about all the money that
goes to non-taxpaying members of society
and other countries. Now, it would be
hypocritical of me to say that I shouldn't
jump for joy at getting help. Still, every
working person has some resentment
at seeing others get the tax money they
have taken from them. Everyone should
realize that one day, they may need the
kindness of the government. Without
help, I was going to die.

100% of this miracle goes to God, and
his angel, Mr. T., a heavenly bureaucrat
who moved mountains for me, and
who went farrrrrrrr beyond the call of
duty, even staying past the office closing
to help a stranger.

I know that I have known patients
who resonated with me, and I would
sometimes go beyond the call of duty.
We're not supposed to boast about
our good works, so, I wont, but, whenever
I went beyond what I was obliged to
do as a therapist, it blessed my life
more than the person's life who I
was put there to help. That's how I
used to look at it.

In fact, I now can confess my bitter
conversations with the LORD, when
I questioned why I couldn't have a
similar benefactor in my life, as I
was in other people's lives. I asked
why I was left out, forsaken, and
most of all suffering, feeling cursed.

I think the LORD amply replied and
his respite was in the form of this
wonderful young man, who pulled
every string, beyond my wildest
dreams, and changed my life from
cursed to truly blessed.

Thank-you Father, for this angel,
and I pray that you so bless him,
and his family, as he has provided
me with hope and sustenance, with
so much mercy, that it had the seal
of God on it.

I have hope of getting well, and
going back to school so I can
again work doing something I
love. It's truly a miracle, and the
fact it took 3 years, only makes it
more of a blessing. I am so grateful.

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