Wednesday, October 1, 2008

When faith is tested....

My latest MRIs from last week came back
with crappy readings. Got a call from my
GP's office, and they said I had to pick up
the referral slip for a neurosurgeon.

I have mixed reaction. I'm chicken shit when
it comes to medical procedures. I was good
on the other side, causing pain (LOL), but,
I don't like being a patient.

Neurosurgeon, she said, not neurologist,
and not a pain doctor, which is what I wanted.

Surgery is more of a big deal with me because
I've got a strange genetic disease called
"von Willenbrand's." It's pseudo-hemophelia.
I can lose all my clotting factors with extreme
stress, trauma or surgery. Otherwise, it's
an interesting thing. I don't create tumors,
so, it's anti-cancer. I don't have the prospect
of cardio-vascular disease or stroke.

This one doctor told me if I don't have
fatal trauma or childbirth, I will possess
the fountain of youth, and his prophecy is
right in terms of how I've never aged.

I have almost bled to death though.

One doctor told me the strangest thing.
He asked "Are you Russian?"
I am. He said I was "Russian royalty."
He seemed to be serious, and I acted
amused, but, didn't tell him that my
family was as far removed from the
Romanovs as night is from day, and
caused their demise.

Then I remembered how my Uncle told
me about our family being cursed by
Rasputin. He explained that it accounted
for specific tragedies and bizarre things that
followed us around, but, I thought it
was a little extreme to blame Rasputin.

I wonder if Rasputin was even aware of
my family? That story had to come from
my grandfather, so, something spooked
him, but, he also hung out with Aleister
Crowley, and believed in stuff like that.

Those old Russians were very superstitious
and spooky. Yet, it is also spooky that
a hemotologist would tell me a defective
gene matched the royal family's hemophilic
heritage. Alexei had hemophelia, or did
he have von Willenbrand's? According to
this doctor, the later was true. Then
again, maybe he was pulling my chain
and teasing me?

Anyway, I've only had a few problems
with the funny blood. To make things worse,
I'm AB neg, the rarest blood type, just in
case I need transfusions, I'm even more
in trouble. I read where aliens have Ab neg
blood, and the shroud of Turin had Ab neg
trace blood. That was cool.

The thought of neurosurgery on my spine
is frightening because if I have a bleed,
it could paralyze me. I wonder if any
surgeon would touch me? I wonder what
will happen to me if I don't have the
surgery? Will I get worse?

Anyway, tonight, I feel anxious about it.
I know people face far worse health
crises, and I've been very fortunate in
other ways. I know the Lord will watch
over me, as well. It's time like these
when He told us to cast our cares on
his shoulders.

When I do that, I feel like I can relax,
knowing that I am in good hands.
Yet, the thought of needing surgery
is depressing, as well. I guess I can
take a positive approach and look at
the aftermath of being relieved from
pain and the other consequences from
my injuries. I hope this is the case,
and I can be fixed, but, I've been living
like this for so long, it's hard to hope
for a miracle, even though i profess
to believe in them.

I do pray for one, though. I really need
a break.

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