Sunday, June 8, 2008

Letting go

I haven't blogged for the time of some of my
most profound breakthroughs. It's not like
the clouds parted, and I beheld Jacob's ladder
filled with angels ascending and descending,
although that would be neat. In a natural
sequence of life, dreams, synchronicity,
and committing my heart wholly and holy
to Jesus Christ, I feel as if I have begun to
feel the blessings of the peace he spoke of
to his disciples.

For the first time, the long memorized scriptures,
like Ephesians' gems "To live is Christ, and to
die is gain..." means more than a hope that one
day I'll get it. I get it. I think I do anyway, or I'm
getting closer.

My dreams have been absolutely cleansing
and sometimes disturbing, but, they still add
to more clarity. I've been having one stunning
time hopping dream, back to the early 1900s,
which always begins in London and ends in Russia.
(I've had these for some time, but, they're so real
now....) Wow, I can't explain them competently.
They are the most remarkably lucid dreams. I feel like
I have witnessed some strange things. Of
course, who knows what dreams are for and
what they mean? But, it all fits in this design
that is starting to make sense to me.

The blessing is not the dreams, or more
understanding of the esoteric mysteries of God,
per se, but, in achieving the tangible elements of
Christ coming physically closer... I believe to all of us,
the believers, and the unbelieving, it doesn't
matter. I believe he is near. The other day
there was a magnificent ceiling of clouds
in the sky. It was one of those tropical skies
where the turquoise blue air turns intensely
dark, yet, light shines above the black clouds
to create a contrast which is God's canvas.
The clouds move like dancers, and I almost
expect to see the advent of the LORD and HIS
army through their curtain of brooding beauty.
In fact, my heart started beating like it was
jump-started from death, skipping beats, and
pounding in anticipation and joy. I could
see the Day of the Lord in my mind's eye. That
brought me this rush of peace that no opiate
could imitate. In seeing this, I felt no more
anger or fear. It doesn't matter who the next
President is, or what a joke our world has
become. It falls away when the trumpets
begin, and the King of Glory marches in.

From that day, I have been hungover in love.
It is indescribable not to have any cares in
the world for God sees me. I wish every troubled
soul in our world could see this too. Nothing
can separate us from the love of God, not
war, famine, disease, or the temporal world
which is cruel and unkind to those who are
not worldly.

I met this lady, who is truly holy.
I am in awe of this person, like she's an angel,
although if you ask her, she's the biggest sinner,
or was. She is a messianic Jew, like myself, but,
she went to live in Istanbul, and really is part of
the curtains opening in the theater of Asia Minor.
We bonded one summer because I got it, and
told her what i thought she saw that i wished to
see for myself, but, don't have the courage to
live in Istanbul, and be a real missionary.
Imagine this beautiful lady, in her late 50s,
but, luminous, gracious and kind. She does
charity work in Palestine, dressed in the
traditional scarves to respect their traditions,
and loves the Palestinian people. This is a
woman of God.

It also disturbs me to feel so connected to her,
and she to me, without really knowing her at
all. I have had a longing to know her better,
and to visit her in that ancient land where
John, the much Beloved, saw the days of
our visitation. It is like I am being bidden
to go there, and my heart feels like it will
explode, like all my searching and seeking
is finally coming to a narrow path that has
a specific destiny. Maybe I'm making way
too much of this, but, I have to confess,
I have never had feelings like these. When
I yearn for Jesus Christ and the Kingdom,
it always felt decades away, but, no longer.
It feels like we're entering the final portal,
like Christ did, when he turned 30, and
was given the 3 years of ministry.

THAT MINISTRY, omg, no no no no....
I am nothing, less than all. But, as the flower
of the field, I feel as if my time in his light
is bright. Just as he knows every sparrow's
name, he knows mine. I am not like this
wonderful lady who feels the bonds of
brotherhood with me, and blesses me by
reaffirming my presence in God's eye through
her believing I am also worthy of his crown.
She risks her life, sacrifices herself, loves
those who are natural born enemies, and has
the grace that I long for and want to imitate.

Nothing matters but loving God, loving ourselves
because God loves us, and loving our fellow
creatures, both mankind and animal kind.
This woman's inner joy and love of the Lord
is visible. She never even preaches. The light
is bright within her. I've only met a few like her.

The first was the 96 year old black lady who
God sent to me to minister his love and forgiveness.
She was truly an angel, and I look forward to
embracing her again one day and thanking
God for her love that she cared enough to
deliver Christ's name in my ears when I
was on the verge of the precipice.

Wow, so many strange revelations are connecting
this week.

My first memories as a child were when I
was barely three, and we spent our summers
in Atlantic City in New Jersey. We lived in what
I thought was a magically splendid old Victorian
house. Truth be told, it probably was old and
dilapidated, but, not to me. I thought I
could see the original people who lived there,
like a window cut out of time.

I had pneumonia at three, and probably was
hypoxic. Confined to the home for weeks, I watched
a Victorian lady and her small daughter in their long
dresses, baking bread, darning knitted things, and
I could even smell their dinner cooking. The dreams
I've been having remind me of those original
mysteries in my life. When I dream, I can smell,
taste, and experience it as if I am physically there.

When I was three, I recovered, and was allowed
to go to the beach with my cousins and aunt.
The first day there, the sea overwhelmed my
senses. After being confined, it was majestic
and even being just a small helpless child,
I felt even more microscopic, yet, at the
same time, drawn to something immeasurably
larger and more powerful than man.

Aunt Eve left me in the foamy shallow waves
and told me to stay still, not to move a muscle,
because she wanted to go for a dip in the deeper
surf. She didn't realize I took it so literally, that when
a huge wave appeared, I let it take me under.

I remember first being scared, and then feeling
like I lost control until a larger force had hold
of me. At 20 pounds, I was like a piece of seaweed
in that mighty sea, and it pulled me far out
and then dragged me under.

I took a breath of water, but, being flesh not
fish, I was drowning. It was not a feeling of
panic, but, of strange mystical oneness with
a greater force who was embracing me. I know
it sounds ludicrous to romanticize a near
drowning, but, it has always been a vivid
awakening for me, and now, in the beginning
of the twilight of my life, I finally understand
that force that has always been in control.

There's nothing to fear. If I drowned, it was
the will of the sea who was mightier than I,
but, a strong arm, like the hand of God lifting
me up, high above the crystal waves which
had control over my life, and then all I
remembered was a crowd of people around
me as I coughed up the sea and rejoined
the human race. I was again one of them,
but, not really, because I think from early
on, we have seeds planted, and it's only
until our maturity when we can recognize
the design of life and the plan. Only now
can I begin to understand the purpose of
everything, from my limited human
perspective, but, I have that same wonder
that i did when the sea nearly claimed me,
and then a greater force carried me to
a different destiny.

1 comment:

Sonja said...

Hi Michelle,

Just came across your blog. I haven't read it all but I want to encourage you in the faith.

You can not love God and hate your neighbor. This is what God works with me on quite a bit. Reading some of your blogs, I think we have this is common. I was reading your Sheryl Crow rantings.

Hold your thoughts captive and renew your mind to the mind of Christ.

Remember there is power in the WORD. Speak the WORD. See the power.